Two days ago.... I know that everyone knows that I'm the king of the world and I reign with a benevolent paw. But every once in a while, a King must have his laughs. So on Friday, Dad left me to my own devices locked in my crate - while I was asleep. The bastard can't even leave while I'm awake, has to slither out the back like the French poodles do. Anyway, at least I had my toys. So, when Dad gets home a little after noon, I'm really hungry. I'm not one to make idle praise, but he smelled really good, eau de Chicken - good enough to eat, at least his paws sure tasted good when I was nibbling on them. Anyway, he fed me while slurping from this drink from a cup he brought back. Later Uncle James came by. I was wondering where Aunt Kim was???? We rode a really long way in the pimped out doggie wagon. I was really tired and Dad and Uncle couldn't stop bothering me while I tried to sleep. We picked up this really shiny bicycle and went home - I could have slept for 3 hours, but.... my big Ogre of an uncle had to whistle, pet, tug, and carry me every few minutes (see me). On the ride home, I was thinking Aunt Kim went to the big kennel in the sky, I kept hearing her voice, but she wasn't around, I was soooo sad. That night I put my paws together and prayed that Kim was in a better place.
Yesterday... was a really long day. I had to roust Dad. Mom told me a fairy tale before I left home once, that the birds used to shout in the morning to wake everyone up. Well, Uncle James taught me how to do that... he'd say "speak" and I'd bark and I'd get petted and belly rubs. Well, yesterday morning, at about 4am, I decided to announce to the world, "Wake up, my peons. Come serve your King!" like the fabled birds of yore. It was so fun, Dad looked really grumpy. After we went out for my morning activities, he tied the boat anchor to my neck again. I decided to humor him and only resist a few times as we walked around. I have to let him think he's getting his way - at least that is what Jerry Springer said on TV the other day then "hit him where it counts." Anyway, Dad gave me a few treats so it was all pretty good.
Later, Dad stuffed me in a way to small box and we started on a road trip. It was a really long drive and I whined a few times that I could walk faster than this, but Dad didn't seem to understand what I was saying. Anyway, we finally made it to Uncle James place. Aunt Kim must really be gone, she wasn't around and her scent is fading. I'm so sad. Being at Uncle James' is really fun, I get to be bad as I want to be. I can bite my two brothers, I get to show Uncle who's the boss, and I get free roam of the house - Dad likes to keep me crated - says its for my own good or something like that. Uncle and Dad are working together in the kitchen on something. I wonder if that is what Jerry meant by putting one in the oven. Too bad Puppy and PJ won't let me in on that secret. When they finally took a break after feeding us, we got in the Pimp-mobile and went shopping. I got to ride in luxury and AC the entire time. Dad and James put lots of stuff in the trunk and then they got lunch. Honestly, not sure why they stopped and talked to these young women on the side of the road. She and her two friends seemed nice enough although they were not dressed like normal folks, but they didn't pay notice to me. What is up with that?! Don't they know who I am? I saw some money change hands and Dad made a comment I couldn't hear. My curiosity about those bitches was short lived. Wouldn't you know it, I now know what eau de Chicken really is. It comes from these bags and boxes which say "Eat more Chikin" - whatever that means. But Dad and Uncle James wouldn't share - those bastards! Not even one morsel. After they gorged, we went to the Doggie palace. There were so many of my brethren and I could smell the food and hear my loyal subjects barking with glee at my arrival. Life was good. So many folks wanted to pet me. Remind me never to go bungee jumping without making sure the bungee cord is attached. It really hurts when you hit the ground. Luckily, I'm A-OK and I got lots more attention! And I met this bitch too, she was kind of cute, but I don't think she was too interested since I just took a leak on the floor. Well, I told her I'd bark at her later.
Yesterday was really fun. I got to play with my brothers, saw Dad and James put one in the oven, and I got to do my business when I felt like it (seven times in the house at Uncles place! sweet - Dad would have really gotten angry at me).
Today is a new day. New things to do, worlds to conquer.
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